When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?