friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive