My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”