me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
New comic up. “Ransom”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“i miss shittin on people”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.