Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.