Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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I’m good, thanks.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Breaking news:
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
This did not end as expected.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.