My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula