[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.