Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Incredible customer service.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
You learn something every day
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.