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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
San Francisco has too many rules
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks