Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
How actors in movies eat their food
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?