Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face