Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)