Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat