i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Oh thanks BBC.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
*exercises sarcastically*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
fourth time’s the charm
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’