Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”