At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
You Might Also Like
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The days of good grammer has went
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.