I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
my sentiments exactly
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.