Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy