I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
You Might Also Like
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Krampus.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints