I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.