The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
…..pretty much.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot