Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy