Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I put the mess in domestic.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
This forever.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Never let them know your next move 😂
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.