Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam