inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You Might Also Like
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.