There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know