“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
#milo
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.