Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
That’s classic.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
In space, no one can hear…
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning