Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me trying to walk in a dream
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
dream blunt rotation
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*