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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Phones down.