Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
X-tra spooky blend
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.