*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.