I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
You Might Also Like
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
it’s finally my moment to shine
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
the saddest jazz hands ever
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…