Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My diet starts in January
of 2027
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.