Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My dog ate my work from home.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.