The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I’m too immature for adultery.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.