You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.