“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.