The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Lmbo
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?