You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.