I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
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Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.