Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
The days of good grammer has went
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.