If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.