In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese