First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath