I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You Might Also Like
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Poetry is my passion
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry