let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.