Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again