why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.